


Alive

by catstrawberrybee



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Memory Alteration, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, learning to love, maybe some smut, touchy topics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:14:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23728882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catstrawberrybee/pseuds/catstrawberrybee
Summary: To the natural eye he looked fine. But to Kakashi’s trained eyes he could tell Tenzo was tired, more tired than a normal Anbu would be. No.. He looked like he was fighting a battle no one but himself could see. “Tenzo-”“Don’t. Don’t say it.” Yamato spoke up, his eyes looking directly at Kakashi. He didn’t want it being said. Because then he would be real. And he wouldn’t be able to pretend that it wasn’t there. The struggles, the nightmares, the despair of what he had done. Really he remembered when Kakashi struggled with this. When Rin’s death had still been fresh on his mind.In which Yamato suffers PTSD.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Yamato | Tenzou
Comments: 12
Kudos: 39





	1. Breath

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to note, that I do not have PTSD, and that I don't know anyone that does. What I use in this story it just general and what I've managed to study about the disorder itself. 
> 
> And that I don't mean any disrespect to anyone who may have it. 
> 
> I just wanted to dabble in a story where Yamato wasn't okay after the war, and after being caught and used by Kabuto.

It’s been a few months since the end of the war, and life has almost returned back to normal. Almost being key for some of them. Everyone was impacted by the war, some watching comrades dying in front of them. Especially those new to war who weren’t used to it. It was hard, and it called to question the Hokage, and elders, what they were doing about the mental health of said shinobis. Something that was never talked about before. From the last three wars, those who came back alive either lived and learned to live with the mental scars, who they killed themselves. But that wasn’t how things seemed to be going now.    
  
And with a bit of help, there was a new portion of the hospital added on. A mental health clinic, and it was run by Ino. With the Yamanaka’s jutsu, it would be able to help those suffering from PTSD, a term that was new to the table, that all nations were reporting now. That at least a handful of their shinobi were suffering from this, and some worse than others. 

Yamato knew this clinic opened, and despite himself. He found himself steering away from it. Even though he was sure he would likely benefit from it. Not that anyone knew, but he was suffering the negative effects of being captured by Kabuto, and being turned against his fellow shinobi. This was something that he was effectively hiding from everyone, though the more it boiled down to it. No one really was looking too deeply past his false pretences.    
  
It was easy for him to put on a smile and act okay. And the only one who could read him was now the Hokage. He still served in the Anbu under Kakashi’s command now, but Kakashi hasn’t seen him face in months. 

So really, he’s been allowed to sit and fester in the feelings. And what was worse, he wanted someone to see. But he wasn’t willing to openly reach out. Feeling that this is something he should be able to deal with. Kakashi had gone through the Third Great Ninja War when he was young, so why couldn’t he deal with this?    
  
He always pushed those thoughts out of his head, someone would realize sooner or later. Though.. Who knew what would happen later rather than sooner?    
  
With the shake of his head, Yamato managed to dress himself and leave his apartment. Another day, he had to report to Kakashi. Out of all the times he’s been in front of the other male, never once had he removed his mask, nor was he asked to. He just hoped this would go on. It was easier to hide the emotion in his voice than it was to hide the emotion on his face.    
  
Slipping his Cat mask on, it was easy to fall back into the familiarity of the Anbu. This was something he was used to. Something he could hide behind effectively without much of an issue. As much as he pretended he was okay, he really wasn’t. He was far from okay, but he refused to ask for help. A shinobi’s pride. Something that a lot of them weren’t able to drop just like that. 

With that last thought, he left his home, headed to the Hokage’s office. Kakashi had picked him as his personal guard. Something that no one was shocked about. Yamato had the best record under the third Hokage after all. 

* * *

  
  
Getting to the Hokage’s office was never a hard feat, something that was memorized in his brain so easily. It was second nature.    
  
What was also second nature was how he was able to blend into the shadows of the Hokage's office when there were visitors. His eyes watching each one of them. Call him over cautious, but he always double checked their chakra signatures when they entered. Anyone who hid their chakra was always deemed as a threat. But that rarely happened anymore.    
  
Yamato was able to recognize every person walking in by their chakra alone, not just their appearance. By the time the day was almost over, Kakashi hadn’t had a single person come in aside for Shizune, just to check on him.    
  
Yamato was still blended in with the shadows when Kakashi spoke up.    
  
“You can come out now, Tenzo.” his voice was calm, but when wasn’t it? Kakashi’s strange habit of staying calm in most situations was one that Yamato always admired, and still did about the older male.    
  
So he moved, leaving the shadows and stopping just before Kakashi’s desk. “I’m simply doing my job, Lord Hokage.” he spoke as his head tilted, similar to that of a curious cat. He could tell Kakashi was trying hard not to look amused at the fact that Yamato could really fit into the Anbu codename for him well.    
  
“Drop the Lord, you know I’m not used to that.” He wasn’t, Kakashi didn’t think he would ever get used to the idea of being addressed as Lord Hokage at all. But he knew it was a title he would have to get used to eventually. This wouldn’t be the first time that he would be called that after all. “Besides, you've been acting too formal around, It’s a little unnerving.”    
  
Yamato sighed. “You are the Hokage, I’ve been acting how I am supposed to,” he argued gently with the older male. He knew arguing with Kakashi would get him nowhere at all. “Is there a reason you wanted me right here?” he couldn’t help but ask.    
  
“Yes, it’s been months. Why don’t you remove your mask and actually talk to me as an equal, not as Hokage and Anbu.” he said to him. In reality, he wanted to see Tenzos face. He was concerned. Ever since his talk with Ino at the start of this, she had given him a list of signs to look out for with anyone who may be suffering anything after the war. It didn’t matter how strong the shinobi, they were all human. And for the most part, some of them just weren’t able to handle the heavy mental strain war could cause. So, he couldn’t help but wonder how Tenzo was doing, he had been a prisoner of war. He had been forced to fight against his fellow shinobi. He couldn’t even imagine what it must feel, to be the cause of many people's deaths, against his own will to top it off.    
  
Yamato knew this day would come. He knew there would come a day where Kakashi would want to see his face. And he was sure that he knew why Kakashi wanted to see his face. And he couldn’t deny the other male. He was his Hokage after all. His hand reached up and grasped the mask, slowly he started to remove, letting his hand drop to his sides.    
  
To the natural eye he looked fine. But to Kakashi’s trained eyes he could tell Tenzo was tired, more tired than a normal Anbu would be. No.. He looked like he was fighting a battle no one but himself could see. “Tenzo-”    
  
“Don’t. Don’t say it.” Yamato spoke up, his eyes looking directly at Kakashi. He didn’t want it being said. Because then he would be real. And he wouldn’t be able to pretend that it wasn’t there. The struggles, the nightmares, the despair of what he had done. Really he remembered when Kakashi struggled with this. When Rin’s death had still been fresh on his mind.    
  
So now he understood how Kakashi felt. Being helpless to stop. Having no control, and no way to end it yourself. “Just don’t.” his voice stressed the words. He knew Kakashi could order him to get treatment. But he wouldn’t. And Kakashi knew this well.    
  
A soft sigh fell from his lips. Ino had also said to not force someone. When they were ready, they would seek help. Unless it was really bad. And Kakashi couldn’t judge just how bad Tenzo was. “Okay.. for now I wont say anything.” he said with a sigh. “But, have Ko take your place. You are relieved for the rest of the night.” He didn’t know if it was a good idea to send Yamato off or not. But he needed rest..    
  
A slight nod from Yamato as he returned his mask to his face. “Yes sir.” With that he was gone, and Ko was there moment’s later, taking over for Yamato.    
  
Kakashi wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to let him leave like that, but at this point he couldn’t change his mind now.    
  
  



	2. Still Breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truly, he wasn’t shocked when he found Kakashi laying along the bank near the water. 
> 
> He had just heard from Shikamaru that Kakashi had managed to sneak out, so he figured that Kakashi left to get some air. 
> 
> What he didn’t expect was to see that he was honestly taking a nap. 
> 
> He gave him credit for setting up perimeters around himself, but Yamato knew them well enough to sneak past them without setting them off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I adjust the tags and things as well. 
> 
> Because I realized with what I have planned, I should add them. 
> 
> So there is that.

Yamato knew that he had stumbled rather ungracefully into his home, but his mind was too full of everything to truly care at the moment. He tore his mask off and let it fall on to the table as he walked further into the main room of his home.    
  
It wasn’t really much, but he was the only one there, so really having anything more that a single person home would be too much for him. Somewhere between trying to get to the bathroom, he had managed to remove his shoes and vest, letting them fall somewhere along the way. His mind wasn’t really functioning at the moment. The fact that Kakashi had seen through him wasn’t shocking, he had worked alongside the man for years, it was only natural that Kakashi would know something was wrong. 

But that didn’t mean that Yamato was ready to admit that to himself.    
  
Nothing was wrong with him, he was just a bit tired and anxious-    
  
That was it really. At least that’s what he tried telling himself, he had somehow managed to make it into his shower, he apparently managed to get all of his clothes off, and had turned the water onto the hottest setting, and somewhere his mind had spaced out that he had started scrubbing at his arms.    
  
A lot of his days went like this.    
  
Sometimes he was never sure how he got home, almost like his body was on autopilot when everything became too much for him. 

He could feel his legs give out from under him. This was a nightly occurrence when he wasn’t working. It was like he was trying to scrub some containment off his skin, but there was nothing there. 

He remembered what it was like, being captured by Kabuto, what he could barely remember was the time between then and waking up to see the Third Hokage. He knew he had been used to strengthen the White Zetsu during the war. Because of that a lot of shinobi died. 

He had their blood on his hands. 

And he couldn’t scrub it off.    
  
Nothing worked, and he always scrubbed his hands and arms raw, almost to the point of drawing blood. 

Eventually his mind would calm down enough so he could go through the normal motions of cleaning himself up and drying off when he was done. 

  
He would make a small meal, eat it and have some water, before he would collapse in his bed and just lay there. Some nights were mild, and he would only have mild anxiety induced panic attacks, which weren’t as bad as his bad nights, he could deal with his good nights well. He preferred them. 

His mind went back to his conversation with Kakashi.    
  
The older male wanted him to be seen by that new clinic, the one that Ino ran for mental health. He could tell by the way Kakashi had looked at him, but he wasn’t ready for that. He couldn’t..    
  
He couldn’t just let someone in his head, to find out what his own mind was trying to hide from him. He knew there were things he could not remember, like they were altered so that he wouldn’t remember what Kabuto did, and that terrified him.    
  
So he didn’t want a Yamanaka to dig around in his mind when he couldn’t even remember what happened. 

He didn’t know what she would see in there if he allowed her in, and he wasn’t sure it was something she would be ready to see. He knew he wasn’t.. 

Bringing his hands up to his face, he let out a long sigh, lightly rubbing his face. He didn't know what to do about this. He knew at some point Kakashi was going to make him get treatment. Because even Yamato knew that this wasn’t something he was going to be able to deal with on his own.    
  
The panic attacks were happening more often, and there were so many minor things that triggered him into an attack.. He couldn’t live like this. But he didn’t know if he could let others see anything too.. What if Kabuto had scrambled his mind? So that not even Ino could figure it out?   
  
There was so much going on in his head, with or without the anxiety..    
  
A soft huff left his lips as he shifted to roll over, he might as well try to sleep. 

* * *

Getting a good night's sleep was getting harder for him as well. 

His mind wouldn’t shut off sometimes, or worse that he ended up having nightmares he would never remember the moment his eyes opened. And then he would just find himself wide awake.    
  
That’s how he found himself at six am. Wide awake and he really didn’t have to be anywhere today. Ko was taking over for him for the day, since they were cycling shifts until Kakashi picked his own personal Anbu unit. Which admittedly Kakashi should have already done, but the man was a stickler for procrastinating. So they all just started alternating shifts until Kakashi got his shit together. 

They technically didn’t have to do this, but because they all cared and respected Kakashi for being their previous Anbu captain, they just fell into this routine.    
  


Pulling himself up and out of bed, he dressed himself in his standard Jonin uniform, which had been redesigned after the end of the war. It had taken a while to get used to, but most of them managed to adjust to it without an issue. 

Yamato took that time to allow himself to wander into the main part of the village, even for it being so early, the village was still bustling, almost as if there had never been a war at all.    
  
And that was something that messed with Yamato’s head. 

They always said it was hard to settle back into a normal life after a war, you were always exacting an enemy to jump out at you at any given moment.    
  
But then again Yamato noticed that he was the only one who was more jumpy than most of his other comrades. 

Another sigh left his lips before he jumped at the sound of a loud voice, which he recognized almost an instant later. 

“Hey! Captain Yamato!” 

The dark haired male turned to see none other than Naruto, moving towards him quickly with a grin and waving.    
  
It had taken him a second to recover from that shock. But he couldn’t hep but to offer up a smile for the younger male. “Naruto.” he said to him. 

From the way the other stopped, he could have almost assumed that he had been looking for him. And he could only wonder why.    
  
“I've been looking all over for you!” he said with a bright grin. “There's something I wanted to tell you sooner, but Kakashi-sensei said that you had gone home early because you were tired yesterday.” he said brightly.    
  
Leave it to Kakashi to come up with some legitimate excuse as to why he wasn’t around the rest of the night before. 

“Ah yes, I was really tired last night. So I decided to try and get a bit more sleep.” he said to the other male. “What was it you wanted to tell me?” he could assume Naruto had already told Kakashi, it would make sense anyways. 

The grin returned to Naruto’s face. “I’m getting married! And I want you to be there, as part of team seven.” 

That had caught Yamato off guard, his eyes widened a bit for a moment. He had heard that Naruto and Hinata had hit it off not long ago. It seemed as if everyone was pairing off now and settling down. 

He couldn’t help but offer Naruto another smile. “Congratulations, and are you sure..? I was really only a step in for Lord Sixth.” he said to Naruto. 

It was true, he had only started out as a replacement for Kakashi when he wasn’t able to lead the team himself. 

Naruto gave an affirmative hum. “I am! I mean you and Sai are still part of the team regardless.” he said to him. 

  
Despite how badly Naruto and Sai and ended up starting off, they had grown close as friends during their time together, Naruto having been the changing factor in Sai, and even himself. 

A soft chuckle left his lips. “I would be honored.” he said gently to the other male, and the grin he received was well worth it. 

“We will give out more information at a later point, but I should go, there's a few more things I have to do today. It was nice to see you, captain!” the blond grinned as he moved to leave. 

Yamato watched the other male leave, a small smile on his lips. Naruto could always make him temporarily forget about things. He was always grateful about that. 

  
  


* * *

Truly, he wasn’t shocked when he found Kakashi laying along the bank near the water. 

He had just heard from Shikamaru that Kakashi had managed to sneak out, so he figured that Kakashi left to get some air. 

What he didn’t expect was to see that he was honestly taking a nap. 

He gave him credit for setting up perimeters around himself, but Yamato knew them well enough to sneak past them without setting them off. 

He moved over to Kakashi before speaking. “You know, Lord Sixth, this isn’t really the best time or place to be taking a nap.” he spoke, watching in amusement as Kakashi’s body lurched up into a sitting position, both his eyes wide and looking up at Yamato, as if he was a child caught with his hand in a cookie jar. 

He was amused because this was a reaction that really not many have seen from Kakashi. 

“Napping on the job? Are you really okay with setting a poor example?” He asked him. 

Kakashi’s fingers moved up to gently rub his eyes a bit. “It’s not what it looks like…?” he tried to offer, making Yamato snort.    
  
“Really? Then care to explain?” Yamato asked. 

Kakashi looked at him for a fraction of a second before caving and letting out a sigh. “Okay fine. It’s exactly as it looks.” he said to him.    
  
A slight shake of his head has Yamato smiling gently. “You stayed up late, I’m sure Lady Tsunade has left you with a lot.” he said to him. With the stacks of books and everything that was in the Hokage's office, he knew that Kakashi had his hands full. 

Kakashi chuckled slightly. “Guilty, I would just prefer to get through as much as I can. But it seems as if it just never ends.” he said. 

He could recall when Lady Tsunade stepped into the position. It had taken her almost a year to settle into the role and get everything in order. And it’s been six months since Kakashi took over, and really he was already further ahead than she had been. 

“I understand you are busy, but also please take into consideration that you really should also prioritize picking your personal Anbu as well, we’ve been alternating shifts when we can. But it would make things easier, to make sure you have one picked out soon. That way we can arrange ourselves accordingly.” Yamato had been adamant about taking his position as Anbu back again as well. 

Kakashi stared at Yamato for a moment, and Yamato wasn’t sure what was going on through his head until he spoke.    
  
“You. There’s no one I trust more than you to be my personal Anbu.” The silver haired male spoke.    
  
And truly it sent a shock through his body. He had not been expecting Kakashi to make such a sudden decision like that.    
  
“H-hey now, are you sure?” he didn’t mean to question the other males choice, but it was shocking, he had never been a personal Anbu before, not even for Tsunade. 

He could tell Kakashi was smiling under his mask. “Of course I am.” he said to him.    
  
That answer was so honest… A sigh fell from his lips. “Alright then.” he crossed his arms a bit. “I think it's time to get back to work, Lord Hokage.” he could see the face Kakashi made under his mask.    
  
“Please drop the Lord.. I’m not used to it.” he spoke. 

It wasn’t a shock, and it caused a chuckle to fall from his lips.    
It was weird, he was so calm in the presence of Kakashi. It was like the anxiety trickled away just a little bit when he was with the other male. 

What he also didn’t realize was that this was Kakashi’s way of being able to keep a close eye on him as well. 

Not that it would matter much at the moment. He would have to try and push through this, now that Kakashi’s life was directly in his hands now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so glad people actually like this! 
> 
> So this is just build up right now, later chapters will likely get a tad bit darker. 
> 
> Especially with Kakashi and Yamato spending more time together, and Kakashi pushing for Yamato get help.

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of a trial, to see how good it goes. And if I want to continue this or not.


End file.
